Big House White is a fruit-forward blend. It was rated almost a full point higher by
non-snobs than by snobs, indicating that it might be a good introduction to
wine for people who don’t like wine that much.
You know, in a Pinot Grigio-y kind of way. Notes include:
“Eh. Not memorable. At all.”
“Fruit forward. Pear. Awkward
sharp twinge on palate.”
Big House “Unchained” Chardonnay (unoaked): average
rating 5.8
Unchained is my go-to white. I love it. It’s great to
cook with and great to drink on a summer day, or with seafood. I don’t like traditional oaky chardonnays,
but this unoaked one is tasty and easy to drink. Snobs liked it better than non-snobs. Here’s the buzz:
“Light, refreshing”
“No oak. Mild tartness. Medium
body. Doesn't taste like Chardonnay.”
“Not oaky enough”
“Easy, clean”
“Sweet, wet, smooth, a little
bitter acid. Eat cheese!” [Wet? –p]
“Nutty, slightly metallic”
Black Box Riesling: average rating 5.3
Not everyone tasted this one, and I blame myself. I think of Riesling as sweet enough for
dessert, so I put it in the wrong place in the tasting order, at the end. People were deep into the cabernets by then,
and I think the subtlety was lost.
Totally my fault. Bad wine
snob. No cookie. I should have made samosas. It would have gone awesome with those. Notes at that point in the night were scarce
and barely legible. Suffice it to say
that it was too sweet for most of my tasters, but at a 5, they would still
drink it for free. Because they are all
boozy freaks like me.
Bota Box Malbec: average rating 6.1
I had written this wine off, but it was better than I
remembered. Or maybe I was just
drunk. But it got two “yums” from my
highly sophisticated tasting panel, so I think it really is pretty good.
“Yum. Full body. Good.”
“Nice. Sweet.”
“Dried fruit (dark) plum, black
cherry. Subtle leather, smoke.”
“Simple dark fruit, light
mouthfeel, mild finish with a little alcohol taste”
“Gets better as you drink more.”
[Words to live by. –p]
“Yum. I would totally buy this.”
“Red fruit nose. Bold. Cherry.”
Black Box Malbec: average rating 6.4
Wine snobs loved this one, giving it an average rating of
7.6. It wasn’t the favorite of the
group, but it was the favorite wine among snobs (tied with the Black Box
Shiraz).
“A little dusty/smoky, a little
watery”
“Smooth, almost buttery”
“Dark purple. Drier, heavier body”
“Leather and plum on nose. Taste of dark cherry quickly fade to intense
tart finish”
“Super easy drinking. Earthy.”
“More woodsy, dry, plum, bigger
body”
“Plum, black pepper”
Fish Eye Merlot: average rating 5.7
One of the lowest-rated reds, I think my brother summed this
one up with the following phrase: “Forgettable chugging wine.” A friend also gets bonus points for
describing the nose as “diesel and leather and plum and balls.”
“Awesome”
“Fairly inoffensive”
“Easy drinking. No finish.
Forgettable chugging wine. Red fruit.”
“Coffee smooth mocha chocolate”
“Nose: diesel and leather and plum and balls. Taste:
Smoke, tart raspberry.”
“OK. A little bit sharp for me.”
“Plum nose. Raspberry. Light bodied.”
“Cherry cola”
Bota Box Merlot: average rating 6.2
For some reason, two of my snobs didn’t taste this one, so
the tasting notes are a bit more philosophical rather than descriptive. Mixed reviews, but one taster, a snob, would
“drink the shit out of this.” OK, I
admit, that was me. No notes about the
nose or fruit. Some snob I am. But apparently I would drink the shit out of
it.
“Something is at the end. Mild for a merlot.”
“I would drink the shit out of
this.”
“Stiff. A bit rigid. A question.”
“Don't think I like it. Or was it my douchey kid's meltdown?”
“Stewed fruit”
Bota Box Zinfandel: average rating 5.9
This divisive wine was beloved by some, and disliked by
others. (Bimodal, for the three
statistics geeks reading this, but I just calculated a mean anyway because I’m
a rebel like that.) The person who said
“good” below gave it a 4, so the average rating may be artificially lower than
it should be. Hey, we’re not sommeliers
here. We may be snobs, but we were
pretty drunk snobs by this point in the evening.
“Sharp, a little effervescent,
lots of berries, tart/sour”
“More character and finish. Ripened red fruit.”
“Very palatable”
“Good, chocolate, mild for a zin”
“Dried cherry, pepper”
Fish Eye Shiraz: average rating 6.5
This was the best-liked of the Fish Eye boxes, which makes
sense, because it’s Shiraz and Fish eye is Australian. FYI, for locals, Fish Eye wines are on sale
for about $13/box at Kings Contrivance Liquor and Smoke Shop in Columbia, MD
(the liquor store near Harris Teeter, where I grocery shop, so it gets all of
my business out of pure convenience).
On sale through the end of the month… Just over $3/bottle. Get it while it’s cheap!
“Medium tartness. Earthy.”
“Appealing nose. Ephemeral.”
“Pretty good. I'd say
‘quaffable.’”
“I'm already a little loaded.” [A
little? –p]
“Smooth. Medium-heavy body. Dry to tart. Taste some earth.”
“Jammy, herbs”
Black Box Shiraz: average rating 6.5
Beloved by snobs in particular, this wine was rated a point
and a half higher by snobs than non-snobs, and was tied with the Black Box
Malbec as the favorite wine of snobs.
If you know and like wine and appreciate plenty of jammy fruit, this
would be a good one to try.
“Fruity, good, drinkable”
“Funky nose. Much more fruit on the palate. Balanced. Surprised.”
“Slight interesting ending”
“Why did I think this tasted like
warm spit? It's good.” [Better than warm spit. Now there’s a ringing endorsement. –p]
“More fruit on nose.
Smoother/less dry. Round on the mouth.”
“Plum”
Target Wine Cube Cab, a.k.a. the red “T-box”: average rating 5.5
The reason to buy this wine is that it is from Target, and
Target is convenient and awesome. If
you like wine, though, not so much.
This was our lowest-rated red wine and was recognized by snobs and
non-snobs alike as not having much cabernet character. As one pleasingly descriptive taster
suggested, it lacked body and balls.
“Mild for a cab”
“Intense nose, little flavor”
“Doesn't taste like a cab. Fruit, but lacks body and balls.”
“Ugh.”
“Reserved small cab”
“Do I just like it because it's
from Target? Good. Not complex at all.”
“Drinkable. Not like a cab.”
“Herbs, dark cherry”
Fish Eye Cab: average rating 5.9
Again, another cab that wasn’t cabby enough for my
discerning tasting panel. At $13 a box
(on sale, see Fish Eye Shiraz), it might still be worth a go, but only if you
don’t like Shiraz.
“Full body, drinkable, goes well
with food”
“Not full enough. Sour
tartness. Not dry enough.”
“Subdued low notes, shy, sneaky,
if you drink it long enough it gets bright”
“They call this a cab? Why are all my comments rhetorical
questions?”
“Not dry”
“Licorice, plum”
Bota Box Cab: average rating 7.2
Now we’re talking.
One of the three top-rated wines of the night. Scored 7 or higher on average among snobs and non-snobs
alike. All agree, eminently quaffable!
“Bland but drinkable”
“Floral fruitiness. Not bad.”
“Subdued but delicious”
“Quaffing away”
“Cola, spice, dark cherry”
Big House “Usual Suspect” Cab: average rating 7.3
This has been my go-to red this year. It never disappoints, and it didn’t
disappoint my expert(ish) panel either.
I drink a glass or two(ish) of this wine almost every night, and somehow
I never noticed that it smells like vegetables. Some snob I am. OK, I
just went and got a glass even though it is only 1:30pm. Yeah, they’re right. Definite green herb smell. I might need to turn in my wine snob membership
card.
“Chocolate, very good”
“Green vegetable nose. Not big enough.”
“Nice bouquet, spicy”
“Smells like celery”
“Herbs and cherry”
Black Box Cab: average rating 7.2
This wine has been my friend Eve’s go-to. The Big House Cab was mine. After tasting them side-by-side, she
wins. This was my favorite of the
night. Of note, this is the wine
that won the Rants from Mommyland taste test linked above.
“Perfect. Tobacco.”
“More tannin than others. Subtly tart.”
“Blah. Not bad, just nondescript.”
“Delicious”
“Winner! Far superior!”
“Graphite, herbs, plum”
Now for the grand conclusion! Box red wines were more beloved than box white wines. If you want a box white, get the Big House
“Unchained” Chardonnay. It’s unoaked,
so don’t expect it to taste like traditional chardonnay. If you don’t really like wine, get the Big
House White instead. But if you don’t
like wine, why are you still reading?
If you would consider yourself a wine snob, Black Box Malbec and Black
Box Shiraz are likely to please you. If
you want the cheapest box of wine that is still good, Fish Eye Shiraz is on
super-sale through the end of May in Columbia (see above), and the regular
price is still lower than Black Box and others. Cabernet Sauvignon in a box seems to be the easiest to do well or
maybe my people just like Cabs. Bota
Box, Black Box, and Big House all made delicious crowd-pleasing cabs that won
the night.
And now for the other conclusion, the sneaky secret
conclusion. If you throw a box wine
party and ask people to bring a box of wine, you will spend a lot of money on
food, but guess what? People leave
the wine with you. Total
score. You get to have more fun with
your friends than should be allowed, and after the party, you have more wine in
the house than when you started. How
effing cool is that?
*Edited to add that all wines are 2010 wines with the following exceptions: Black Box Shiraz 2009, Bota Box Malbec 2011, Fish Eye Merlot 2011, and Bota Box Cab 2011. Yes, it matters. My go-to changes every year. So perhaps this is the start of the Annual Box Wine Taste-Off!
