10 things I wish someone had told me when I was 20

I wouldn’t have listened. They won’t listen. But if I can keep one woman from getting a crooked dolphin tattoo or age spots, my job here will be done.

1) Wear sunscreen every day. Yeah, I know everyone has told you that already. Here’s what they didn’t tell you. Smear that crap down onto your chest, and then smear the excess onto the backs of your hands. Nobody wants old, spotty, wrinkly hands, but they get just as much sun as your face, and your lily white face will look funny hovering over a brown and spotty old chest.

2) You are beautiful. Stunning. No one cares about your pooch. Seriously, you calling that tiny convexity a pooch makes women my age want to smack you. Love that body, because it will never look better than this.

3) Get in shape now, because it’s a bitch to start when you’re in your 30’s once you actually need to. You can eat cheese fries and never exercise and still wear a bikini? Great. Start working out anyway. And put down the cheese fries. You’re just pissing me off with those things.

4) If you feel like you’re wasting your time, you are. You have no kids, no commitments, and probably a parental safety net. Do what you love. There’s plenty of time to be practical. Spend a few years dreaming and reaching.

5) You deserve a partner who feels lucky every day to be with you. Dating is about finding the right person for you. If someone doesn’t want you, they are not the right person for you. Period. Don’t waste time on someone who doesn’t love you like crazy. And don’t settle. The person you’re with deserves to have someone who loves them like crazy too.

6) Credit cards are evil. Don’t start. Seriously, if you’re not paying it off every month, cut them up.

7) Be wild. You’ll have plenty of time to be serious. When you’re driving kids to soccer, it will feel good to look back and know you didn’t miss a thing. But be safe. Don’t ruin the rest of your life in pursuit of a good time. Threesomes and wild parties, good. Herpes and a drug habit, bad.

8) Don’t get a tattoo unless you have thought about it for at least a year and never wavered in wanting it. Before you get it, imagine it on your fat, wrinkled, 75-year-old body. If you still want it, go ahead and ink up. Never pick a tattoo design off the wall of a tattoo shop.

9) If you have a good job and some mad money, blow a chunk of it on laser hair removal. You’re going to be shaving for a long, long time. You’ll get hairier, while also having less time and motivation to shave. Get rid of it now if you can afford to.

10) Your face really will freeze that way. Oh, you thought wrinkles were for old people? Well, if mid-thirties is old, then you’re right. Your face will reflect your temperament for many years, so smile a lot and stop squinting at your phone and make sure you only get the good wrinkles.